What not to say when someone has lost a baby

What do you say to someone who has just found out their baby has died? What do you tell someone a month after burying their son? Two months later? Or even a year later? 

I have heard a few of my fellow loss moms say that some comments, although well meaning, really hurt them. If you have said any of these comments to me or to Brandon, please do not feel the need to apologize. I know that none of my friends or family members are intentionally trying to hurt me. Not all of these comments have been said to me. Some of these are comments that we have heard, and others are comments that have been said to friends of ours. 

 I know people really struggle to know what to say to a grieving parent. Some would rather just say nothing to avoid causing more pain. I write this post not to shame anyone, but to state my opinion on some popular things people say during a time of grief. 

 Here are 8 things not to say, followed by an explanation of why it might hurt someone. 


1.  Everything happens for a reason. 
     
      This is pretty much a cliche statement, and if this is the only thing you can think of to say, perhaps it is better to say nothing at all. Also, even if you can provide the reason for someone's baby to die, it is of little comfort. 

2. "Your baby is in a better place" 

   While Heaven is a beautiful place, and I am thrilled that Eli has gotten to meet Jesus, this comment hurts. Because the place I want to have him right now is in my arms. 

3.  You can always try for a baby again. 

   This might be true, but there are no guarantees that I will be able to be pregnant again. Even if I could, another baby is not going to take Eli's place, or take away the sadness of losing him. 

4.  Romans 8:28.

   As a Christian, I am familiar with the notion that all things work out for good to them that love God.  I learned this verse as a young child, so it is not new to me. I am always encouraged when someone shares with me a scripture verse that has helped them during a difficult time, but my baby has just died. It does not feel like things are working out for good. 

5.  At least your baby died before you got to know them, at least you have more kids, at least they didn't suffer, etc. 

   If the statement starts with "At least," try to say something else. 

6.  Don't worry, you will be a mom some day. 

     False, I will not be a mom some day. I am already a mother. 

7.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle. 

   This comment doesn't make sense. My strength comes from the Lord, and I am thankful for his grace each day. I am not an especially strong person, and this statement implies that someone else could not have handled losing a child as well as I can. 

 8. I think it is time you got over it. This happens to a lot of people. 

      Yes, it does happen to a lot of people. It doesn't take away the pain. I will never get over losing Eli, but I will keep going for as long as God wants me to.