Eli's birth story

Moms who have experienced a stillbirth often feel like they can not share their labor and delivery stories. When we are with a group of women who are sharing their experiences with pregnancies and birth, we almost clam up. Often when we talk about our experiences, we will find that other women will quickly change the topic, either because they can't relate to our situation, or they are worried the topic is going to hurt us. 

How was your labor? Did you get an epidural? How much did your son weigh? Can I see a picture of him? Does he look more like his Mom or Dad? What advice can you give me for coping with childbirth? 

 These are all questions that are typically not asked of a Mom whose baby did not live. People mean well by trying to avoid the questions, but as a mom, I would love to be able to talk about these things freely. 

 I remember a few people asked how I was physically feeling after giving birth to Eli, but most people were more concerned with my emotional state. 

 I will tell you that I was in pain. I experienced stitches, soreness, exhaustion, and postpartum depression mixed with grief.  I experienced clotting and major blood loss which led to low iron. Do I say all of this to ask for pity? Absolutely not. All of these experiences can be part of a normal pregnancy. 

 Eli's birth story began on April 27th,  3 days after we had found out his heart stopped beating. I was scheduled for an induction at 8 am that Friday. My Dad, sister, and Aunt were able to fly in to be with my husband and I during my time in the hospital. Before heading to the hospital, I called to see if my induction was still able to start, and they told me to call back later in the day because they had no beds. And so, we waited at home. We walked to the coffee shop as a family and stayed home watching movies, trying not to go insane. I called back at lunch and asked them if we could come in yet and they let me know that the maternity ward was full; they still had no rooms for me, and to try calling back at supper time. As the day went on I started to feel ill, with strange pains in my stomach and cold shakes. Brandon called the labor and delivery unit and told them about my symptoms, so they told us to come in. I arrived at the hospital by 3:30 that afternoon, kept in an observation room until some labor rooms became available. I was induced around midnight. 

 Every 5 hours I had to receive pills vaginally in an attempt to ripen the cervix. So this process carried on all day Saturday. When this wasn't working, they switched to oral medication. I had 7 visitors from church over the weekend, and their support helped get me through all of this. Throughout the day Sunday, I experienced a few contractions, but they were very sporadic. Each time the Dr. checked to see how dilated I was, I remained at 1 cm. I was starting to become very frustrated and called out to God to please give me the strength to go on. 

 Sunday night, my Dr. and nurses decided that the best way to proceed was to insert a balloon catheter into my cervix that would help me dilate to 3 cm, and start get things moving. The induction was taking so long because this was my first pregnancy, and my body was not ready to give birth. It took about an hour to insert the catheter, and so far that was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Brandon held my hand the entire time and I prayed and recited Psalm 23. Focusing on the words to the scriptures helped to distract me. The nurses told me that they had never seen anyone be so strong through this process and that most women kick and scream when they are induced this way. I knew deep down that I was not the strong one, but that God was giving me an extra measure of strength for a very difficult time.  After the catheter was finally in, I started to experience the most unbearable cramps. I tried to be brave, but I couldn't handle it any more and had to ask the nurses for some pain medication. Once the pain medication was administered, I was able to fall asleep and have the first restful night I have had all week. 

Monday morning came and a new Dr. was in charge. He decided to increase the dose of misoprostol that I was on.  He was convinced that this would get things moving. Around lunch time, as I was walking around the corridor of the hospital, I felt some sharp pain and heaviness where they had put the catheter in.  I felt like I needed to go to the washroom badly but nothing would relieve this pain. Then I realized that the balloon had fallen out of me, meaning I had dilated to 3 cm. It had been exactly 12 hours since the catheter was put in the night before. The rest of the day Monday, I had contractions off and on. They were about an hour or so apart. By  3 pm I was still experiencing the typical "morning sickness" symptoms. I was unable to keep any food down, so I was told by my wonderful nurses to only have clear fluids. The contractions were starting to become more frequent, about 20 minutes apart and later that night I spent hours in the tub because it was the only place I felt comfortable. 

I finally went to bed at 2am Tuesday. By 4:30 am the nurses had to wake me up to get more medicine and check my vitals, then fifteen minutes later my water broke. It was the strangest feeling! Brandon woke up and got out of bed very quickly. He woke my sister up because she was my second support person for my labor and delivery. Immediately after my water broke, the contractions became very severe. I used nitronox gas to help relieve the pain, but I gave myself too much and almost passed out. 

My nurses checked my cervix and I was dilated 4 cm. Within what seemed like minutes, they checked again and I was at 8 cm. It was almost time to push. I remember pushing as hard as I could and needing to stop for a breather. I felt like I wanted to give up. Sweat was pouring off my forehead and I knew that my reward for pushing would be bittersweet. I was about to see my baby face to face, but I would never hear my baby cry, see them smile, or even be able to feed him or her. (At this point we do not know the gender)  

 I remember Brandon saying, "I can see the head. Keep pushing babe. We get to find out if this is our little boy or girl." 

 I continued to push and our baby's head was completely out, but the umbilical cord was wound around the neck, so this was hindering baby's full appearance. The nurses cut the cord away from our baby's neck and with one more big push the rest of his body was able to slide out. At 6:41 am, Brandon cried, "It's a boy." One of the nurses that had delivered Eli placed him on my chest. I just froze. Seeing his lifeless body lying on my chest; no breathing, no crying, almost left me in shock. I felt so overwhelmed. I knew he was not going to be alive when I gave birth to him, but I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that were going to take over. I longed to just pick him up and begin nursing him, but this would never happen. 

 The Obstetrics doctor arrived in time to help with the delivery of my placenta, and give me the required stitches for a small tear. Our nurses were cleaning Eli's body and dressing him in the clothing, blanket and hat as we had requested for them to do in our birth plan. 

 When all of the rushing was over with, I was struggling to stay awake. Brandon called our family members and let Dad and our Auntie know that Eli had been born and his Mom needed to rest. My sister held Eli while I dozed off for about an hour. Dad came in first to hold his Grandson. He said Eli was beautiful, and for the first time since I had been in the hospital, I saw him shed a few tears. 

 Auntie came in next and got a chance to hold Eli as well. We spent the morning singing to him and taking turns holding him. The nurses gave us a cuddle cot for him to rest in. This was a special crib that was able to keep his body nice and cool so that we could spend as much time with him as we wanted. 

 All of the nurses assigned to care for me during my hospital stay were so wonderful. The nurse who took care of us on Eli's family day was especially caring. She helped me to the bathroom for the first time, and explained to us what was going to happen with all of the paperwork that needed to be done. She spent the entire afternoon taking the most beautiful pictures with us and helping us get Eli's footprints and hand prints done in ink. She also helped us get a mold of his feet, which we will treasure forever. 

 This day, as exhausting and heartbreaking as it was, was a special day. We got to meet our precious Eli, and hold him in our arms. I will never regret giving birth to him. 

 There are a few more things I would like to write about our day with our son, but I will be writing a few more posts about his birthday soon. 

Eli Spencer Brown, born 6:41 am on May 1, 2018. Eli Brown was born sleeping, and is now safe in the arms of Jesus in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. We will always love you.