Prayer for May 15, 2018

Some days I find it very hard to pray. In the days surrounding Eli's death and birth, I prayed through the book of Psalms and asked God to listen to my heart. Some days I tried to write my prayers down in my journal. Some nights I broke down and told God that none of this was fair. I got angry. I screamed, and I cried over and over. I came to understand that anger was a completely normal reaction when it comes to losing a child. I try my hardest not to dwell on my anger, but as the grief waves come and go, there is little I can do to control how I am feeling. On May 15th, just over 2 weeks after I gave birth to Eli, the emotions were starting to hit me in a surprising way. Mother's day came 13 days after he was born, and the social media posts hurt my heart in a way they never did before. Brandon tried his best to make my day feel special. He hugged me, wished me a Happy Mother's Day, and gave me a gift and card. It is important to remember that I am still a Mom. I am not "going to be a mom some day," but I am a mom now. 

So, my May 15th prayer from my journal was short, but heartfelt. I penned it as my tears soaked the pages, and was comforted to know that God knew my thoughts before I even uttered a word. 

God, you are still good. Even though my heart hurts more than I could have ever imagined. My body aches from giving birth to a baby whose cry I did not get to hear. My body is producing milk, but have no living baby to feed. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and gasping for air, somehow knowing you are still there. "Teach me thy way, Oh Lord." Let this be my plea. Please give me the strength to make it through another day. At times I feel like it would be easier to die, but I know that is not your plan for me just yet.