August 1: You would be 3 months old today

August 1st was a very hard day for me. I realized at the beginning of the week that our little Eli would be 3 months old. I started wondering what he would look like right now. It took all the strength I could muster not to fall apart today. I did not go to prayer meeting today because I knew there would be a continuous stream of tears falling from my eyes, and that I would not be a help or an encouragement to anyone.

 We went to visit Eli's grave and I couldn't even stay for more than a few minutes. It was just too hard. I always thought that the hardest part for me would have been the day Eli was born, or the day we found out he had died. Both of these days were devastating, but in the early days we were filled with so much shock. There was a bit of an adrenaline rush (as bad as that sounds) knowing that I had to get through the labor and delivery of my son who had passed, and then had to plan for his funeral the day after. We also had family around with us, so there was more to focus on than our own sadness. 

The second and third month following Eli's death has brought more pain and heartache than I could have imagined. With each month I find myself wondering what it would be like to have my son here with me. I randomly find myself thinking that I should go check on the nursery, and then I think I am losing my mind. At times I will feel movements right where he used to kick me, and then my stomach will hurt. No one ever mentions these feelings in the aftermath of a stillbirth. I feel as if I should be moving forward with my life better than I am. Some days I don't cry for him, and I feel guilty because I should be crying, but I know that I can't cry every second of every day. 

I wanted to do something special for him on what would have been his third month, so I decided to share some photos of the day he was born. These photos are not meant to be morbid. Brandon and I only had one day, from 641 am until about 7pm to spend with our son. We intended to have a lifetime with him, but we savoured each minute of this wonderful, yet sad day. We had just one day to take all of the photos that we will ever have of Eli. Here are some of the photos that we hold close to our hearts.