Is it ok if I have a good day?

It's hard to believe it has almost been 4 months since our beautiful son went to Heaven.

The days and weeks are passing by and I am still missing Eli each day. 

I just realized it has been days since I have cried. Slowly it is getting a bit easier to live. Each day I am able to find a little bit of joy. 

I find joy in spending time with my family and friends. I find joy in getting to wake up each morning next to a wonderful husband who prays for me each day. I find comfort in listening to the lyrics of hymns and songs about our God. I even find joy in our cute little dog, Bitsy.

Then why do I feel guilt for being happy? Is it too soon to be happy? 

The second and third month since Eli passed were probably the worst months of my life. I had to look away whenever I saw a baby who would be around Eli's age. Each time I saw a pregnant woman I could not help but wonder if her baby would live. 

Each time a child was born I questioned why that baby got to live and Eli didn't. 

I still struggle with some of these thoughts and feelings, but I am not consumed with them. I still feel angry some days, but I can control my emotions better.

I know the grief waves will come and go. With God's help, Brandon and I will have to ride them together. 

Is it ok to have better days? Is it wrong to feel happy when so many things have gone wrong and when your first born child has died? 

Eli would want me to be happy. So for my son, I will allow myself to feel joy without guilt.