Dealing with grief, 4 months later
I know all of us deal with grief differently. Some of us turn to alcohol, drugs, or food.
Some of us turn to self harm. Some of us lash out at our friends and family who are only trying to help us. Others keep their emotions hidden, until one day when they least expect it, they are on the verge of a breakdown. Some of us look to God for answers, only to find that maybe we will never know the reason why the person we love was taken from us too soon.
There may not be a right way to deal with grief. Just because someone cries a lot over a lost loved one does not mean they are not coping to the best of their abilities.
Another person hasn't shed a tear in weeks. This doesn't mean they aren't crying and hurting on the inside.
People will say things like , "I don't think I would want to keep living if my son had died." It is really hard to keep on living. Some days getting out of bed and putting on a happy face is all we can do. Some days, we need to remind ourselves that there are still things to live for. This is not always easy.
While there may not be a perfect way to deal with your grief and the loss of a child, here are a few things that have helped me a long the way.
1. Scriptures. Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;... I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Grief feels a lot like fear. We fear that life will never go back to normal. We fear that life will go on and that our loved ones will be forgotten. We fear the idea of becoming pregnant again, yet we also fear the possibility of never having living children on earth. God understands that we have fears, so verses like this one has become very important in my life. When Eli first died, I was in so much shock. I didn't know what to do, or think. I needed to connect with God and see what he said about comfort in his Word. Unfortunately, during the months of June and July, I was having a lot of trouble with my anger and found it very hard to find the words to pray to God. Things are getting better as I have entered into August and September.
2. Music. I love music. I think the world would be very dull without it. I know that Eli loved music too, because his kicks were the most persistent when I was singing or playing the piano. I feel that I can connect with him as I play the piano because that was one of the little things we shared. I picture him having the time of his life in Heaven, praising God and singing his little heart out.
3. Loved ones. My husband, Brandon has helped me out so much during our grief journey. There have been times when I have had to be strong for him, but there have been many more times when he has had to be strong for me. I am blessed to have a husband that will talk to me about our son and allows me to share my feelings openly. Not once has he told me not to cry. Instead he holds me in silence and is there when I need him most.
4. Finding time to do things I enjoy. I never thought I was going to enjoy life again in the few months following Eli's death. I could not see any brightness in my future, and did not want to go on living life without my son. I forced myself to go to activities and social gatherings because I needed something else to set my mind on. Recently, Brandon and I were able to spend two weeks visiting family and friends on the East Coast. Our vacation was desperately needed, and I was able to discover that I still enjoyed going to the beach, swimming, hiking, etc. I came to the realization that Eli would want me to be happy and to go on living. We recently walked the trails at the Riverbank Discovery Center. It was so calming and relaxing. God has created a beautiful world for us to enjoy.
5. Allowing myself to "feel" the emotions that hit me. When I need to cry, I don't try to be strong. Why should I pretend to be something I am not? Happiness is allowed. Sadness is allowed. Even anger is allowed. These are all perfectly normal human emotions, and all part of grief waves. There will be days that I hear a song that brings me to tears. There are nights that I am kept awake because I picture myself holding Eli in my arms and I can almost sense his presence, even though I know he is not here.
6. Being thankful for the time I got to spend with Eli. I prayed for Eli from before he was conceived, up until the day he passed away. We spent eight months getting to know each other before he was born. He heard my voice and I felt his kicks and punches. Brandon got to feel his kicks too. We got to hold him in our arms for an entire day. Although leaving him at the hospital was the hardest thing we have ever done, we are grateful that God allowed us the privilege of getting to spend time with him for a season.
Some of us turn to self harm. Some of us lash out at our friends and family who are only trying to help us. Others keep their emotions hidden, until one day when they least expect it, they are on the verge of a breakdown. Some of us look to God for answers, only to find that maybe we will never know the reason why the person we love was taken from us too soon.
There may not be a right way to deal with grief. Just because someone cries a lot over a lost loved one does not mean they are not coping to the best of their abilities.
Another person hasn't shed a tear in weeks. This doesn't mean they aren't crying and hurting on the inside.
People will say things like , "I don't think I would want to keep living if my son had died." It is really hard to keep on living. Some days getting out of bed and putting on a happy face is all we can do. Some days, we need to remind ourselves that there are still things to live for. This is not always easy.
While there may not be a perfect way to deal with your grief and the loss of a child, here are a few things that have helped me a long the way.
1. Scriptures. Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee;... I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Grief feels a lot like fear. We fear that life will never go back to normal. We fear that life will go on and that our loved ones will be forgotten. We fear the idea of becoming pregnant again, yet we also fear the possibility of never having living children on earth. God understands that we have fears, so verses like this one has become very important in my life. When Eli first died, I was in so much shock. I didn't know what to do, or think. I needed to connect with God and see what he said about comfort in his Word. Unfortunately, during the months of June and July, I was having a lot of trouble with my anger and found it very hard to find the words to pray to God. Things are getting better as I have entered into August and September.
2. Music. I love music. I think the world would be very dull without it. I know that Eli loved music too, because his kicks were the most persistent when I was singing or playing the piano. I feel that I can connect with him as I play the piano because that was one of the little things we shared. I picture him having the time of his life in Heaven, praising God and singing his little heart out.
3. Loved ones. My husband, Brandon has helped me out so much during our grief journey. There have been times when I have had to be strong for him, but there have been many more times when he has had to be strong for me. I am blessed to have a husband that will talk to me about our son and allows me to share my feelings openly. Not once has he told me not to cry. Instead he holds me in silence and is there when I need him most.
4. Finding time to do things I enjoy. I never thought I was going to enjoy life again in the few months following Eli's death. I could not see any brightness in my future, and did not want to go on living life without my son. I forced myself to go to activities and social gatherings because I needed something else to set my mind on. Recently, Brandon and I were able to spend two weeks visiting family and friends on the East Coast. Our vacation was desperately needed, and I was able to discover that I still enjoyed going to the beach, swimming, hiking, etc. I came to the realization that Eli would want me to be happy and to go on living. We recently walked the trails at the Riverbank Discovery Center. It was so calming and relaxing. God has created a beautiful world for us to enjoy.
5. Allowing myself to "feel" the emotions that hit me. When I need to cry, I don't try to be strong. Why should I pretend to be something I am not? Happiness is allowed. Sadness is allowed. Even anger is allowed. These are all perfectly normal human emotions, and all part of grief waves. There will be days that I hear a song that brings me to tears. There are nights that I am kept awake because I picture myself holding Eli in my arms and I can almost sense his presence, even though I know he is not here.
6. Being thankful for the time I got to spend with Eli. I prayed for Eli from before he was conceived, up until the day he passed away. We spent eight months getting to know each other before he was born. He heard my voice and I felt his kicks and punches. Brandon got to feel his kicks too. We got to hold him in our arms for an entire day. Although leaving him at the hospital was the hardest thing we have ever done, we are grateful that God allowed us the privilege of getting to spend time with him for a season.
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