Why I write about my son

When Eli died, I lost a piece of myself.  I didn't think I would ever begin to feel normal again. There are so many terrible things about losing a child. A parent grieves not only the baby they lost, but also the 1 year old who is just starting to walk. The 2 year old who is trying to form sentences and learn how to push your buttons. The five year old climbing the steps to the school bus that first day of school. The teenager who is quickly changing and figuring out who he is. The 20 year old, who is perhaps in college and seeking his parent's advice.  We mourn the memories we know we will never get to share with them. 

I write about Eli because I am thinking about him day in and day out. Just as a parent of a living child would do anything for their babies, I would do anything to protect the memory of my son. A Mother doesn't love her child any less because he has died. Yet somehow, they are not expected to talk about them. I see the looks of sympathy when I mention something about what Eli looked like. I have seen people cringe when I mention something about what it was like to give birth to him. Often times the subject will get changed. 

Do I not have the right to talk about a wonderful baby who means the world to me? 

I didn't get the comments about how beautiful my baby is. Sometimes that hurts. Yes, some of the people closest to me can see Eli for the beautiful baby that he was. 

I share posts or pictures of him. They are not popular. Many people who were so thrilled for me when I was pregnant now act like nothing happened. I am proud and thankful that I was able to take pictures of him. I am extremely grateful that God gave me the strength to get through a very difficult labor and delivery. 

I crave being able to show Eli to my family and friends. I long to be able to see what he would look like at 5 months old. My desire is to be able to talk about him every day without the looks of sympathy. Because I can not do any of these things, I blog. I write poetry. I share photos. I light candles for my boy. I have his pictures hanging in my house. 

This is why I post about my son.