9 months without Eli (late blog post)

Hello, my beautiful son. You have been in Heaven for over 9 months now. You have made me a mom, and I am so grateful for the time that we have shared together. The months surrounding your death were such terrible and dark times for your Dad and me. God has been helping us learn to adjust to a life without you. You have been on my mind even more than before, especially now that your little brother is on his way. I can't help but think of all of the terrible things we have experienced since you have died. Losing you was the worst, but here are some of the other things that have brought us sadness.

Hearing the Bad news- Nothing can compare to hearing your child has died. Even though we had not gotten a chance to hold you before you were born, we knew you. We anticipated your arrival and planned for you to live a full life as our firstborn child.

Waiting to be induced- This part was terrible. We found out you had died on Tuesday, April 24th. The earliest I could be induced was the following Friday. So here I was, walking around looking very pregnant, but carrying a baby whom I knew was not living. I broke into tears as people would ask me when I was due, and I would have to explain that we had lost you and I was being induced soon. 

The induction process- So much pain was involved in being induced. I had lost all of my dignity, and was starting to lose the will to live. Thank God I had supportive friends and family, and a great team of nurses to help get me through this time. 

Being on the maternity ward-  I had to give birth to you in the maternity ward, surrounded by other couples who were having normal and healthy pregnancies. These other families were full of joy. Waking up in the night hearing the first cry of other newborns was unbearable. It should have been your cry that I was waking up to. 

The pain of labor- Anyone knows that labor and delivery is a painful process. Most women can muster up the strength to get through it because they know it will all be worth it in the end. It was worth it to be able to see you, but as I was going through this process, I could only think of the fact that I would not get to bring you home. I would not ever see you open your eyes, and I would never hear you call me "mommy". 

The aftermath of labor- The postpartum pain, the blood loss, extra weight, and exhaustion combined with the feeling of empty arms is something I will never forget. 

Leaving hospital without a baby- By far this is the worst part. It did not feel right to leave you in that hospital. If I could have, I would have tucked you away and brought you home. 

Putting away all of your babies things-  When we found out you had passed away, Brandon rushed to put your things away. I did have one snuggle with your crib mattress and stuffed owl. I also kept one of your blankets and held it close on the dark days. 

Feeling the guilt and shame- It wasn't until my 6 week checkup that I was able to let go of some of the guilt. My OB assured me there was nothing I could have done differently. A stillbirth is a terrible thing to happen  to anyone and we often can not find out the cause. It didn't bring you back, but I was able to sleep a little better at night. 

Not being acknowledged as a Mom- Being asked if I have any children or being told I would make a great mom someday was an added sting to my pain. I knew I had a son named Eli. Opening up about our story either resulted in a person feeling sorry they asked, or by that person ending the conversation.

Wanting your baby so badly that it hurts- I have talked to other loss moms and we agreed that going to visit our babies' graves was difficult at times. It was tempting to not want to dig up our babies just to be able to hold them again. I would never do that to you, Eli, knowing you are truly resting in peace in Heaven. 

Wondering about all of the what-ifs- What would you look like today? What would our life be like? We would be preparing our house for two children only a year apart. It would be a busy household. I would have to baby boys to snuggle with. I would be able to hold your little chubby hands one more time. 

Hoping it never happens again- I know of women who have had back to back stillbirths, or multiple losses. I don't know if I could cope with losing another child. I also know that we can't decide everything that happens in our lives. This is one of those fears that I have to be open and honest with, trying to give it over to God.