Parenting after loss
After Eli's death I struggled with how to parent a child who was no longer living with me on this earth. Yes, I knew I was still a Mom. Things were just different.
Instead of planning a Halloween costume for my sweet 5 month old boy in October, I was lighting a candle in his memory. Instead of buying him presents at Christmas time, I hung an empty stocking in his memory. I trimmed the tree with ornaments that reminded me of him. Instead of celebrating his first birthday with a beautiful party, we spent the day making a memorial video for him and visiting his grave.
Then along came his younger brother, Tobias. We were thrilled to finally be bringing our living baby home with us. We were ready to begin this chapter of parenthood; the part that we had been denied with Eli.
We were new parents, but we were not new parents. Each time I struggled with nursing, I would be reminded how if I had the chance to nurse Eli, things might have been different.
When Tobias struggled with sleeping and taking naps, we were often given comments like, "First babies are usually like that". But, he was not our first baby. Infact, our first baby born sleeping, and our second bundle of joy never closed his eyes! He was born at night with his eyes wide open and only closed them for about a half hour during that first 12 hour period in the hospital. "Newborn babies cope by sleeping." Well, not our Tobias.
We struggled so much with diaper rashes, infections, and sleeping. Nursing was always a struggle, as there were some days that he only wanted to nurse. These are always the things that new parents deal with, but we should have been experts at this by now, had Eli lived.
People say that having two kids only a year apart would be too hard. I would have loved it.
Every time I went somewhere in public with Tobias, it felt like all eyes were on me and how incapable I was of parenting this new child. It was as if even strangers could sense that we were first time parents. It is such a strange feeling to have no idea what you are doing the second time you give birth. We were just so thankful to have Tobias arrive safely that we weren't considering the struggles we would face once we left the hospital.
Parenting after loss is so strange. Being part of a stillbirth and infant loss group, I realize that 1 in 200 babies die of SIDS. Many moms experienced a still birth only to discover that their second child would die in his crib at 6 weeks old. This fear was heavy on our mind. Perhaps Tobias could sense this and maybe he was feeding off of our stress.
I had become very angry with God. Asking him why we couldn't have had it easier because we had already endured such heartache. "Why can't everything just fall into place? Why do things never work out?"
But something did work out. Something miraculous! A woman who thought she would never mother a living child is raising a sweet 5 month old baby boy. A woman who used to worry about everything has learned to leave things in God's hands. A woman can be grateful for the two children God has allowed her to have; one in her arms, the other in the arms of Jesus.
Instead of planning a Halloween costume for my sweet 5 month old boy in October, I was lighting a candle in his memory. Instead of buying him presents at Christmas time, I hung an empty stocking in his memory. I trimmed the tree with ornaments that reminded me of him. Instead of celebrating his first birthday with a beautiful party, we spent the day making a memorial video for him and visiting his grave.
Then along came his younger brother, Tobias. We were thrilled to finally be bringing our living baby home with us. We were ready to begin this chapter of parenthood; the part that we had been denied with Eli.
We were new parents, but we were not new parents. Each time I struggled with nursing, I would be reminded how if I had the chance to nurse Eli, things might have been different.
When Tobias struggled with sleeping and taking naps, we were often given comments like, "First babies are usually like that". But, he was not our first baby. Infact, our first baby born sleeping, and our second bundle of joy never closed his eyes! He was born at night with his eyes wide open and only closed them for about a half hour during that first 12 hour period in the hospital. "Newborn babies cope by sleeping." Well, not our Tobias.
We struggled so much with diaper rashes, infections, and sleeping. Nursing was always a struggle, as there were some days that he only wanted to nurse. These are always the things that new parents deal with, but we should have been experts at this by now, had Eli lived.
People say that having two kids only a year apart would be too hard. I would have loved it.
Every time I went somewhere in public with Tobias, it felt like all eyes were on me and how incapable I was of parenting this new child. It was as if even strangers could sense that we were first time parents. It is such a strange feeling to have no idea what you are doing the second time you give birth. We were just so thankful to have Tobias arrive safely that we weren't considering the struggles we would face once we left the hospital.
Parenting after loss is so strange. Being part of a stillbirth and infant loss group, I realize that 1 in 200 babies die of SIDS. Many moms experienced a still birth only to discover that their second child would die in his crib at 6 weeks old. This fear was heavy on our mind. Perhaps Tobias could sense this and maybe he was feeding off of our stress.
I had become very angry with God. Asking him why we couldn't have had it easier because we had already endured such heartache. "Why can't everything just fall into place? Why do things never work out?"
But something did work out. Something miraculous! A woman who thought she would never mother a living child is raising a sweet 5 month old baby boy. A woman who used to worry about everything has learned to leave things in God's hands. A woman can be grateful for the two children God has allowed her to have; one in her arms, the other in the arms of Jesus.
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